So Long Serendipity

Your mind is ticking all of the signs.
It is eroding and grinding away, admit it.
You are losing more and more control, and
the ones you are closest to are noticing.
Hear it break and purr.

It is so ironic.
Nothing is objectively wrong.
Strive so hard to be as rational as one can be
while still having a heart, and yet these emotions
will and are swallowing you whole.
Soon enough the cracks will begin to show
on your eyes and
everyone else will become suspicious.

It’s somewhere along the line of
wanting to murder your old cats who don’t
love you anymore.
Or dreaming of being able to kill people with a heart attack
by only writing their name.
Your mind is eroding when
there is nothing else to cause your unhappiness.
And
and
I do not know what to do.

Stare at the screen for hours as your mind inwardly screams
about the thought of losing itself.

I saw this quote today and I hear it spewed by random people as well.

Listen mother fuckers, if happiness was as simple as turning on a fucking light switch, or saying to yourself, “man, being depressed sure does suck, I think I’ll just be happy” then there would be no fucking depressed people, ever.

It fucking implies that people who depressed are lazy or ignorant. Oh, you’re poor? Why don’t you work harder, or get a better job? You’re fat? Why don’t you just workout more?

There is just so much more to being unhappy. Sometimes it’s a neurological disorder, or people are just born in bad times and places. 

Just….people need to get their head out of their asses. Don’t imagine yourself in my shoes, with your past experience and own perspective on life. Look at me in my fucking shoes. Look at the ones who are actually depressed, and tell them, I dare you, that it’s only a fucking choice. It’s about as much of a choice as me punching you in the face, quite frankly.

internet commenter are the same everywhere.
it could be a video, humor, or gaming website,
you will always see how people love to hate.

wars started over Nikon or Canon,
people defending both the like of Rebecca Black and Carl Sagan
with their online lives,
or people bitching about motion controlled gaming, or
the grammar Nazis, or
the ignorant Christian idiots, or
the atheists who is simply  anti-religion because fuck that, man.

and I spend the late hours of the night,
bored,
reading this bullshit,
forming my own opinion but rarely voicing them.

it makes me feel lonely.
you are so far away
all I can hear is the
tick
tock
of my mind.

In the sea you have followed me.
Love is kind, love is when
something or someone
makes you boil
and seethe and yet
you
don’t have enough.
You follow me to the sea
even though the waves are
cold and caustic,
but together we feel alive
and vulnerable and invincible.

The next day
we woke up early to catch the sun rise.
I fickled with my camera and everything was all right.
Our eyes blurry from the lack of our sleep.
Everything was turquoise and magenta,
the only sounds were our heart beats and
the lapping of the ocean.

In sea, you have followed me all of this time.
We have started to build a beach house
that is weathered by the sun and rain and hurricanes
but we will work on it ever more
Until the sea takes one of us.

I hope by the time I pass away,
most of the conservative or fake Christians
in my family would have died off.
Like my wedding, they better not mention
the eye in the sky around me when I die,
I swear I will roll inside my grave.

It is not a lovely thought, to be honest,
knowing (as much as anyone can know something, which is
hardly anything) that there is nowhere else to go after
this life.
The mind is made of meat.
Once the neurons give up, the thoughts dry up,
what you have known as “Blake” is simply a pile
of nerves and bones and muscle without any gasoline.
Sure, it is an easy thought to think when you are focusing only
on your own dead ass,
but so much harder to realize that
the people you love are also nothing but matter.
We are physical things, no doubt about it.

I’m going to my 2nd funeral tomorrow.
And this atheist will feel bad among his family.
I’ll be the only one who doesn’t think my dead uncle
is going anywhere.
They have thoughts of heaven and peace.
Not one soul who loved someone ever thought they were
going to hell in the end,
even if they were not Christly, they were still a good person
dammit.

Death and funerals
will drive an atheist mad.

The world shuddered and shone as I imagined
I would be seeing it for the last time,
the long drive to the bridge over the mighty Mississippi River
did nothing to calm my nerves.

On the bridge, I slow down.
50, 40, 30, 20 miles per hour.
Traffic a few hundred yards away from me.
The water glistened and the metal bridge was
dull with ugly orange and red light.

I could not do it.
So I drove on.

And little do you know, you saved me.
You are across the Atlantic now, off in a place
where everything is foreign.
You are a woman who is falling in love
with France, alone.

It is tempting
to set my clock to yours.
Wake up when you wake,
and go to sleep when you do.
The eight hour time difference
won’t mean much.
Anything to be in sync with you.

Later this year I can take you to New York City.
A place I hope to call my home one day.
Once I figure out how to make money
with a Philosophy and English degree,
we will find a place big enough for
us alone.

For now I am just excited at the thought of getting
my own place in our home city.
You will be the very welcomed unofficial
roommate.
We are so busy we can hardly see each other,
but at least with that, being by your side as
you dream is the next best thing.

henrytheworst:

Tea time with Bukowski.

atheistoverdose:

A different take on the “makes perfect sense” image we’ve all seen a thousand times.

follow for the best atheist posts on tumblr

(via innerchrist)

The fattest cat in the USA died tonight
from morbid obesity; the feline weighed
thirty nine pounds.

The owners were shocked and upset,
and I could not help but wonder why.
And then I realized that we feel the same way
as they do,
we’re all morbidly obese
to the point is death
and no one else is noticing.

When your girlfriend of three years says you need medicine,
you might just have a problem.
When your parents say that you need professional help,
yes, you might have a problem.
When suddenly you are doubting everything you once considered normal,
you might just have a problem.

Not that I particularly want to go Descartes on you,
doubting everything to see what is left,
I feel like I have no choice.
The scars on my arms and the holes in the wall
speak of importance to everyone but me.
This is normal.

I guess it is because the thought of not
kicking through the wall or
taking the knife to my skin
is an impossible one. It
had to be done, otherwise
I would have done something worse.
I wonder if crazy people are skeptical
when people call them crazy,
or maybe it is just the normal thing to be skeptical.
I do not know.

The mind is more easily known the body, eh Rene?
Tell that to the ones who don’t know where their mind
ends and their actions begin.